The Mama Bear In Me

Forget road rage...what about "Mama Bear" rage? This past week I have been so irritated at how mean and catty little girls can be. I don't know what it is about girls specifically...when they feel bad, they either want to make everyone feel bad around them, or they want the world to just go away and they lock themselves up, refusing to talk, asserting a passive aggressiveness. The other thing I've noticed is that some girls feel a need to assert dominance in groups, make yourself feel better by making others feel bad, make sure that whoever is different knows it, that everyone else knows it, and that they are sufficiently humiliated by your incessant need to point it out.

I see it in my own girls certainly...sometimes they say the meanest things to each other...things they know will just cut the other one down. Things that are aimed directly at the heart, ya know what I mean? It's hard to be a part of it...it's never fun watching your babies hurt each other...especially when it's with words...when it's words, how do you explain that it hurts just as much if not worse than getting hurt physically? That it bruises your spirit, that it makes you think differently about yourself, and the person who insulted/offended you...it makes you distrust...in your own sense of confidence, and in the other person who you love and is supposed to support you and enourage you. It can really do a lot of damage internally.

I remember taking Maryn to a playground when she was little....like just barely learning to toddle around. She was so social. She'd walk up to the first other little person and smile her wide mouth grin at them and instantly strike up a game...squealing and chasing each other around. But then she would get knocked down, maybe it was on purpose, maybe it was innocent, who knows, but that feeling that rises up in you when you see somebody harm your baby is unmistakable. It's strong...starts in your gut, rises up into your throat...are you going to cry or are you going to react? Your head gets hot, your teeth clench, your fists ball up and start to sweat a little. The first reaction is to make it stop!!

At first when Maryn was little I would try to let things slide...in favor of being polite and teaching her to handle things gracefully. I was always taught to take the high road and not to stoop to the perpetrators level. Getting into fights is exactly what they want a lot of the time. And other people hurt you when they are scared, lonely, or cowardly. Killing them with with kindness was the better choice.

Until recently...it's not that I want to teach something contrary to what I mentioned above. I think that ultimately we need to teach our children to do what Jesus would do...turn the other cheek, forgive, develop empathy and charity and all that stuff. But then there's just survival skills and that's what I'm talking about here.

Since we moved to this tiny town, Maryn has been in an awkward situation. She is one of only 5 girls in her class. There is not a plethora of choices for friends for her at school. And these girls have been friends since kindergarten (and probably before), and as with any small town, they are not really open to change or newcomers. Add to that the fact that one of the other girls in her class has the same name as her, same spelling and all!! She thought they'd be best friends, but the other Maryn had different ideas. She ultimately feels like this "new" Maryn has invaded her territory and challenged her sense of identity. She has always kind of been the ring leader of this little pack of girls and told them off the bat NOT to be friends with the "new" Maryn and that's been our struggle ever since. Our Maryn has fought, struggled, tried, and tried again to just get along and be friends with these girls and they just aren't having it...at. all.

It is absolutely breaking my heart. I feel so deeply for Maryn. I know what it feels like to feel like an outsider, like you're different, like nobody likes you, that you'll never be included or accepted. I think partly because I was raised in an environment where I was the only "Mormon" and couldn't do lots of stuff, I had lots of brothers and sisters, we didn't have a lot of extra money, therefore I didn't have a lot of designer labels. I didn't like stuff that a lot of the girls at school liked (I guess I was kind of nerdy), I was non-athletic, I was non-musical, I would rather read books, draw, or play dolls when they were all learning gymnastics, going water skiing, or the buying the latest Atari video game. So I know what she is feeling right now.

Maryn and I have our talk time on our drives home from Acheivment Days lately. I ask her if there's anything that she'd like to talk about and most of the time she launches into some kind of guilt trip on Mark and I about how we don't do enough fun stuff at home, how she doesn't like when Avery does this or that, etc. Typical 9 year old angst...and I can deal with that. It's when she tells me about the mean stuff the girls at school said that day, or how nobody will play with her at recess that the Mama Bear comes out in me and I feel helpless, sad, and trapped for her. I wish there was something I could do other than just tell her it will all be okay. Part of me wants to march onto that dang playground in the middle of recess and lay some serious smack-down on those catty little girls, and part of me wants to call up their Mom's and go off on how their daughters are being complete and total selfish brats!! But then again, they are being the same way towards me...maybe that's why this stings so much...I don't have any friends here either.

This past week Maryn told me how one of the girls has decided that they each need to be labeled...(bear with me on this one guys, this is the mind of a 3rd grader). They have to fit into only 1 of 3 classifications...they are either a girly-girl, a tomboy, or a "math-freak" which I think means nerd. Maryn declared to the group that she was 50% girly-girl and 50% tomboy...(she told me later that she really thinks she's more "math-freak" but she didn't want to admit that to the girls for fear of ridicule of course). And that's when ring-leader says, "you are not any percent tomboy, you are 100% girly-girl." Which hurts Maryn's feelings because all the other girls are "tomboys". So in retaliation she says, "I don't care, I'm 100% Maryn B. !! (which is her name now because of the two Maryn issue). Which I thought was pretty gutsy for a little 57 pound girl when there are 4 other meany bullies staring her down at the lunch table. When she told me this story, I listened patiently and then I just couldn't help it. I told her she needs to tell those girls to "shut their yaps"!! Maryn later told this to Mark, who asked me what I thought was going to happen when I was the one getting an angry phone call from somebody's Mom asking me why my daughter thinks it's okay to talk like that. I think I'm willing to deal with the consequences quite frankly!!

So what would you do? What have you done if/when this has happened to your kids?

We obviously can't pick up and move any time soon. But at the same time, for the first time in my entire life as a parent, I am seriously considering home schooling. You know it's bad when I start thinking like that...UGH!!

I've talked to her teacher about the situation and how it makes her feel (she told me "she'd keep her eye out"--pashaw!! One of the other girls is her grandaughter for crying out loud, that's how small a town we're livin' in here people), we've invited each of these girls over for playdates (and individually they are as sweet as can be), to which their parents have NEVER reciprocated (which is fine by me because I'm not sure I would want Maryn going to any of their houses anyway), I've signed her up for Girl Scouts (to try and foster better friendships/relationships with these girls)...what next?!?