When miracles happen, they need to be shared. And in that spirit, I wanted to share a tender mercy that I received recently. I don't want to dwell on tragedy, or continually bring back hard, difficult memories, but I do want to share the lessons I've been learning, and blessings I've received as a result of my experiences.
I have had a hard time forgetting the events of that night. A lot of things that surround me on a daily basis continually trigger powerful emotions in me. These triggers aren't constant. One day it's not an issue, but the next it is. One day I'll feel fine, and the next day not. I can't avoid living in my house or seeing places and things that trigger me. I have to learn to live with them and make my peace with what's happened. I have to learn to look for the positive and find peace, instead of feel guilt and fear. It's been a struggle for me. But I'm not alone. Mark feels a lot of these same emotions, but for him it is amplified. I think he carries a heavy burden where that's concerned. He suffers in ways I can't imagine. I wish I could take some of that pain away, a lot of the time. But I know that I can't. However, I do believe that there is someone who can. I have a strong testimony of that.
Last night I went visiting teaching. On my way home, I had to stop off and get diapers. I was listening to a CD that Mark bought for me awhile back. It is a CD by the
Lower Lights...they sing revivals of hymns. It's very folksy, acoustic, kind of vintage-y, and I love it. I highly recommend it. Anyway, I was driving on I-251. This is the highway that connects Tonica to the real world. It goes through Oglesby (where IVCC is), and then Peru (where all the shopping and the hospital is). We use it every day, and it's not a road that I can avoid. But for some reason when it's dark, and night-time I have a hard time. I remember driving that road in a police car, following behind Mark and Laurie, who followed behind the ambulance. The events come back to me in a flash, and I am overwhelmed with sadness, panic, fear, and grief. Last night I began to feel these emotions again, and I said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to please take away these awful emotions, that I needed to feel light, peace, and love. And I did. It was one of those text book experiences. I was filled with warmth and love. I was able to focus on the lyrics to the song on my CD, "Secret Prayer".
There is an hour of peace and rest, unmarred by earthly care.
'Tis when before the Lord I go and kneel in secret prayer.
May my heart be turned to pray,
Pray in secret day by day,
That this boon to mortals given,
May unite my soul with heav'n.
When sailing on life's stormy sea, mid billows of despair,
'Tis solace to my soul to know, God hears my secret prayer.
When thorns are strewn along my path, and foes my feet ensnare,
My Savior to my aid will come, If sought in secret prayer.
Even writing the lyrics now I get chills. What a blessing prayer is. Why don't I do it more often?!? I mean how easy is it to stop what I'm doing, turn to the Lord, ask for help, and receive it. Sometimes I have a very proud, stubborn heart. I am impatient, and I lose faith when things don't happen the way they happen for others, or the way I think they should. But that is part of the nature of prayer and faith I suppose. It's not always textbook. Sometimes we have to wait, sometimes answers and relief aren't immediate. I know that and I struggle with that. That's why I am especially grateful for the experience I had last night. God heard my secret prayer. And I know He will hear yours too.
