Who's in Charge Here, Anyway?

Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway?
I sit whimpering in the capsule of my tiny understanding
And angrily tell God he isn’t running His world right.
I tell him, “Little children shouldn’t suffer,
People should be nice to each other, and
Things should turn out as I plan.”
Before I climbed into my capsule,
I naively believed that life was good.
God whispers, “Life is good, my child,
I am in charge; life isn’t dark ...
Adversity is not scourge, but ark.”

--Darla Isackson

This poem was part of an article called “The Spiritual Anatomy of Anger” written by Darla Isackson from Meridian Magazine. It really made me stop and think. The article is a wonderful exploration of the different facets and reasons for anger and it made me think a lot about my own anger and where it comes from. However, this poem really stood out to me. I copied it and pasted it onto a blank page and returned to it a few times, and decided what I really liked best about it. The line about how “things should turn out as I plan” really spoke to me. Sometimes I am so selfish and narrow-minded in my thinking. I have this ideal or expectation of how my life should be at this point. Because it hasn’t happened exactly as I expected, I get so angry, bitter, jealous, and downright mean. Sometimes I think that it’s because I’m being punished or that God has forgotten about me and I’m not really worth the effort anyway. The negativity of it all makes me completely miserable. And it’s no way to live. This is not how it should be. The part that says, “Adversity is not scourge, but ark” completed my thoughts perfectly. Just because negative things happen to me doesn’t mean that the whole thing (life) is bad. God is always in control and His plan for me isn’t to be miserable or cause me pain, it’s actually the exact opposite. It’s to allow me a way to find out what I'm made of. It’s a way to discover what life is all about. It’s a way for me to learn lessons that can teach about divine nature and spiritual and physical power and unique abilities. I know I’ve been given obstacles in my life that nobody else has. And it’s for a reason.

Just to give you an example, I have had a lifetime struggle with my weight. Mine is not a metabolism that is forgiving and compensatory. I have struggled…sometimes giving up and failing, other times working hard and succeeding. At times, I have stopped to see God’s hand in this trial. I have learned so many valuable lessons from this burden. I have found out what I’m made of and what I’m capable of. Because of that, I can approach other trials in life with experience. However, there are also times I wish it wasn't so stinking hard. I curse the heavens for how unrelenting it is to constantly have to be on guard. And I wish I’d been given something else. I suppose this is what He expected. {Insert tender mercies here.} I think He knew that I’d need a little lift and boost here and there along the way. He knew that I was capable, but that there were going to be times I just couldn’t fathom picking myself up and trying one more time. I’m grateful that He’s smart like that and gave me the Savior. I’m grateful that my weight problem, my temper, my self-confidence, my anxiety are all things that can eventually help me find out who I am. My trials are just as much a part of me as anything else. I wonder if maybe I should express more gratitude for them than the talents I’ve been blessed with in life. Talents are also given specifically from our Father in Heaven, and can bless and enrich a person's life, but it’s these trials and obstacles that really make me stretch, work hard, and ultimately teach the greatest lessons, reminding me where I came from and where I can return.

I hope I am rising to the challenges that my Father has given me. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing miserably, and yet other times I can feel strength from above and within pushing me forward and with each step I understand more and more who I am and that “life isn’t dark, but good”.

I Need a New Blog Title

I was thinking how boring and bland my blog title is, not to mention the layout...don't get me started on my layout. I know it's incredibly simple and plain and totally not fancy like most. I picked it from a library of blogger templates. I thought the fact that the banner was brown was actually kind of funny...a brown banner for the Brown family...ha ha! Whoa. Even I just realized how lame that is. So, help me out and vote for a new title from the following list...

A word about the choices. As many of you know, I am a huge Dixie Chicks fan. Always have been. I love their music. Not so much their opinions about politicians and such, but I love the way those girls rock! So as I was browsing my iTunes playlist, I had a funny thought about their song titles. They kind of describe my life. I think their lyrics are awesome too, but their titles especially have always really spoken to me. So I figured it was only fitting to use one of their titles as my blog title. Now don't get me wrong...this blog will not be a fan site for the Chicks, nor will it be only about me, it will still be about the Brown's as interpreted by me. If you want Mark's spin, you'll have to visit Norse Penny.

Now, make your voice heard and VOTE! (Voting located on the sidebar...)

Squashing the ‘Do (An Essay about My Aversion to Hats)

All this talk about living in the most miserable city in the country, crappy Michigan winters, and wanting to spend the month of February in Phoenix, made me think about how silly it all is really. So to help get you through these last few (stinking) weeks of winter, I'm giving you a good laugh at my expense.

I call it:

Squashing the ‘Do (An Essay about My Aversion to Hats)

I grew up in Michigan, so I "know" cold. I know that if you walk outside at 5 am with wet hair in the middle of December, your hair will freeze and turn into stringy icicles. (I learned this after attending early morning seminary while in high school.) I know all the facts about how the majority of body heat escapes the body through the (uncovered) head. I “know” all of these things. However, I was also a "big hair-ed" teenage girl in the eighties (you'll have to pay a small fee for pics) and wearing a hat just wasn't something I was going to do. In high school, for some reason you are immune to the cold. It’s amazing really. There must be something in those hormones swimming around your body during puberty that allow your body temperature to be unaffected by the cold, thus causing you to think that wearing shorts and sandals to school in January is a good idea, and that standing at the bus stop with no coat on at 7 in the morning is no big deal. I wasn’t as crazy as some, and actually owned and wore a coat, but that was about it. And it had to be basic. None of this puffy stuff or even bright colors would do. Black or gray or navy wool was all I was willing to do in defense of my stubborn vanity.

I continued my stubborn ways into college. (Why didn’t I take my big hair to Florida or someplace warmer?) Instead I took it to REXBURG (hello!) and proceeded to stubbornly avoid the hat which would totally cramp my style (i.e. leave me with flat hair). Ultimately, I ran from class to class and back to my dorm and tried very hard to “get by” with hoods and cute scarves, even though I was freezing and thought it would have been the end of the world to ruin my perfectly coifed do when in actuality nobody could have cared less how my hair looked!

Then it was onto the mission field--Prague, CZ (even colder). The list for sister missionaries included “modest blouses, conservative suits, and flats”. It should have said, “army fatigues, sweatpants (for under your dresses), and fur-lined boots up to your chin”. I relented to packing an old pair of Mom’s boots. They were plastic (seriously) on the outside, blue and green “duck” boots. They’d look great with my missionary attire…yeah right! I packed my coat with the big hood (from Rexburg), a cute scarf and glove set and called it good. But no hat. I remember my first winter in the field, crazy Babichka's would come running towards me with hats in their outstretched hands ready to pounce on my uncovered head. Eventually I caved and wore the hat more out of self defense than for warmth reasons. My hair was certainly going to pay for this.

The hat was a maroon, slightly “raspberry” colored beret given to me by a fellow sister missionary (…I know, don’t laugh! I’ve never even been a Prince fan!) It was free and still kinda cute without totally squashing my ‘do. As far as the duck boots go, I realized pretty quickly that they weren’t really realistic (they were plastic, remember?) and I mailed them back home. Why did I pay all that shipping for old duck boots? I should have just given them to some poor old Babichka, but unfortunately they were so obviously American I doubt she would have actually worn them anyway. I settled on a pair of ankle-high brown leather, fur-lined boots. I just couldn’t bring myself to wear the knee-high black boots the natives were wearing. Needless to say, all sense of fashion (or dignity) flew out the window in defense of warmth. I can honestly say the warmth factor was becoming more valuable and I began to appreciate the difference that covering my head and keeping my feet warm made, especially after hours of trudging through snow, ice and yucky, wet muck. I began to re-evaluate my ideas of “cuteness” and rely on simple practicality. I was a missionary and in a foreign country. Who was going to see me? I learned to let go and embrace the slightly dorky do that my hair sustained from yanking my hat on and off all day long. I guess I sacrificed my will if you will. You’d think that whatever good habits and lessons a missionary learns while serving lasts them throughout their life, right? Well I’d like to say that’s true, but with this whole hat debacle, it’s sadly not.

When I got home I first returned to the arctic tundras of Rexburg and then continued my education in the high mountain altitudes of Cache Valley. I ditched the mission coat, boots and hat, trading in my newly acquired sensibility for vanity once again. I found a cute brown coat with plaid flannel lining from the “Northern Exposure” store in Laurel Park. It had a warm hood, so I reasoned that I wouldn’t really need a hat anymore anyway. Ever a sucker for cute scarf/glove sets I bought one of those too, probably in crème or brown. That coat lasted me for awhile. I remember wearing it with the top buttons only snapped shut while my pregnant belly stuck out exposed to the elements. If they say the majority of heat escapes through your head, then I dread to think how much escapes an exposed pregnant belly! After that winter, I finally retired the brown coat and I really didn’t know what size I was for awhile. And because we were so stinking poor, I think I endured one winter in Boise with just a fleece jacket since I rarely left the house anyway. No coat, no hat, no cute matching set.

Now I’m living the frazzled working Mom life. My black wool coat has no hood to rely on. And I. am. freezing! But I have to have cute work hair, so I’ve been thinking and amusing myself and my stupid defiance of hats and looking too “bundled up”, thus the essay you’re reading (enduring) right now. I found a cute white hat/glove/scarf set at Target last winter in an after-Christmas sale and have been wearing it this winter…at least the scarf and gloves, it came with a hat too. I guess I’m still not sold on the hat thing. Where’s the crazy Babichka’s when I need them?

Misery Loves Company

http://realestate.msn.com/Buying/Article_forbes.aspx?cp-documentid=6171960&GT1=10932

I saw this article on MSN today. Can you believe it? I work in the most miserable city in the United States. And frankly, I know exactly what they’re talking about. I’ve tried hard to be positive about working downtown. I think it’s noble what the CEO of this company has done for the city, but I also think it’s a wasted effort. I don’t think the people who live in this city want things to change that much or that bad. And leading the effort is the infamous Kwame who pretty much sums up the general attitude of this city…live rich, die hard, and get away with as much as you can without getting caught and without having to exert very much effort. It’s sad. Like I said, I don’t want to be so negative about state of the city, but the reality surrounds me…every day. I drive into the city and see the same thing every morning and every evening. And because of that I rarely get out of my building. Sometimes a quick trip to CVS or lunch out, but that’s about it. There’s not much down here and because of that, it really is pretty miserable. If you don’t believe me, read Mark’s post here. He has it much, much worse than I do. At least the building I work in has air conditioning and no soup kitchen in the basement. And what about Metro Detroit…the suburbs where we ACTUALLY live? Are we just as miserable as Detroiters? I’d say yes and no. The whole financial plight of Metro Detroit is scary. There are literally a handful of jobs available and where there used to be huge industry, there are now empty factories and assembly plants and office and retail spaces with “For Lease” signs in the windows. They are everywhere. Not to mention “For Sale” signs on every other front lawn in any given neighborhood. People are left with no other choice but to jump ship. And sometimes they have no other choice but to leave an empty house with no promise of a buyer. Some people are desperate, and when people are desperate, they sometimes do stupid things and then the crime rate goes up in our safe little suburbs. Domestic violence, killings, theft, drugs and alcoholism, arson, it starts breeding itself. I’d say that’s a pretty miserable life. I guess that’s why they say misery loves company. Maybe Detroit is looking for some friends. Back when I was a kid, Detroit actually looked worse than it does now. We never went downtown then either. Although, we didn't have to. We had everything (including jobs) that we needed in the 'burbs. At least there, you could find a little hope and solace and carve out a place for yourself in the great state of Michigan. Back then property value was worth something and when you paid city taxes it was actually doing some good. Now it just seems like the floor is going to fall out from underneath us at any time…have we hit rock bottom yet? Is it just me?

On a funnier note, the other thought that came to mind when I saw the article’s title was “well no wonder Detroit is miserable, when you have to endure one of our winters!” Enough is enough with this snow, ice, and windchill crap!! Can I get an Amen?!?

Sorry to Leave You Hangin'

Build-a-Bear Workshop...Avery came away with a white and pink bear named Lizzy and Maryn came away with a velvet teddy-bear named Hailey.

Avery chose a white and gold ballerina ensemble for Lizzy and Maryn chose a cute hipster outfit of a jean shirt and pink t-shirt and shrug for Hailey. And you may also notice that the "twins" picked out their own outfits today. They think it's hilarious when people ask me if they're twins and they get to say NO! They were both wearing Hannah Montana t-shirts over white shirts and jeans and turquoise headbands. I thought it was kinda cute that they would initiate it themselves.

I forced the girls to try on more jeans at Old Navy because they were having a sale on all of their denim. I am in a jeans debacle with them right now. Most of the 7's are too long and too small in the waist. Where should I buy jeans? Anyway, while I was debating about jeans, they ran off and came up with this on their own. And if you look closely, they're both looking at the Mom to the left of me instead of AT ME! Why do they ALWAYS do that?

Here's the proud tooth girl. Sunday, February 17, 2008.

And here's the first of many more to come...hopefully the tooth fairy will get her butt in gear next time!! Oh and that dollar bill ring is a pattern Mark got online. Actually quite cute.

Hope you enjoyed the pics!!

It's Wednesday, but it feels like Monday

I figured I better get a new post up even though I forgot the camera and can't post the cute pics as well. You'll just have to wait. My long weekend was luxurious. Pei Wei was awesome. The food was amazing. We all ordered the same thing...the Soba Miso bowl, except I had tofu and Mom and Erin had chicken. We also got an "appi" of Spring Rolls that were really tasty. AND, the other awesome thing is they had FRESCA on fountain!! Whoo-hoo! So if you're ever in the Orchard Lake and 14 mile area, you must stop and indulge.

The Temple session was nice as well. Always is. I bumped into Sister Christensen on my way out and we commisserated about her former, my present Primary class. She feels my pain. It's not all terrible, but there are some kids who are a challenge (NOT Cameron, Angela ;-)) and sometimes how you can feel severely under-appreciated, frustrated, and sweaty. I don't know what my problem is but our classroom is consistently a million degrees and what with the pressure of entertaining, and multi-tasking, and asking the same kid to sit down a million times, I have been drenched by the time I sit down in sharing time. Is it just me? Maybe those dreaded hormones are kicking in early...I always say that...I've been saying I'm going through menopause since my twenties. I think it's funny.

After the Temple, I dropped off my Mom and checked out the new shelves in the basement. They are pretty cool. And they have that fresh wood smell. And they fit all of their food storage and seasonal decorations just perfectly. And they said that it would be a real selling point should they ever sell the little condo in the big woods. WHAT!?! Please, don't move again. (Just kidding.)

I made it home to my brood by 5 and Mark already had dinner ready to go. And not only that, it was good AND used up the produce that has been rotting in the back of the fridge. Thanks Mark. He also rented some movies and we watched "Becoming Jane". It was good. I liked it. Then again, I'm a sucker for those old, British, romantic stories.

Sunday wasn't as relaxing and holy as it probably should have been. Maryn has had this loose tooth for ages and has been really terrified of it coming out. I've given her ultimatum after ultimatum and she continued to clamp her mouth shut at every opportunity. She was so distraught that Mark decided to keep her home to try and get her to relax and just get it over with. So basically, Avery and I left for Church with Maryn shrieking in the background. Meanwhile in Primary, I made paper boats with my class to illustrate the story of Nephi crossing the sea. They turned out pretty good, but the pattern was a bit complicated to perform with 10 kids swarming me for help. Maryn walked into sharing time with only 20 minute left holding her little pink and purple tooth pillow and sticking out her lower jaw to show me the "tooth hole". I was so proud of her and happy to see that she finally got the job done. We talked about the tooth fairy the whole way home and she was pretty giddy. I was giddy too, but not so much about the tooth. More about the fact I didn't have to go to work the next morning.

Monday morning, Maryn barges into my room and asks me to come look and see what the tooth fairy brought her. GULP! ACK! A lump immediately forms in my gut. I TOTALLY forgot!! I jump out of bed and walk back to her room. We sit on her bed and she opens the pillow. The tooth is still there. Can you believe what a bad Mom I am? She melts. I stall and stump for an explanation. Eventually I came up with a plan to "email" the tooth fairy (come on, it is 2008) to find out what happened. A few hours later, we get a reply that says that because Maryn is the 1st child in our family and this is the first lost tooth ever somehow we weren't on the map. She apologizes (for being a crappy Mom) and promises to not miss her that night. Maryn is satisfied with that, and we move on. (Thank goodness.)

Thankfully, it didn't manage to ruin the entire day. We grabbed lunch at Baja Fresh, and then hit Build-A-Bear Workshop. It was fun, albeit a lot of $ for a stuffed animal. I let them play at the Teddy Bear Playground for a bit (they towered over most of the toddlers there), and then we went home.

Tuesday we had playdates with some of their friends. It was good for the most part...some drama, some quarreling, some breaking of Dad's things, and stealing candy when I wasn't looking, but fun. These kinds of things don't happen nearly enough for us. I didn't feel like leaving the house and we didn't. It was nice. The girls got reacquainted with many of their toys and I got reacquainted with my couch and a good book. Ah, gotta love the luxury of that!! I'll try and edit this post later with pics.

Friday Happenings

Okay, so I just witnessed a wedding take place in the Compuware Atrium. How random is that? 10:15 on a Friday morning. And it's not even Valentine's Day anymore. Why today? Why Compuware? I mean it's a nice building and all, but come on. It's in the middle of Detroit. I guess I'm a bit jaded. I shouldn't knock it too hard. It's a nice place to work. It has the Hard Rock Cafe, and a nice Borders bookstore, and a Ben & Jerry's. And it has a really sweet water feature...a cascading waterfall from the the top of the building that funnels down through colorful umbrellas and down the side of a glass wall, down to a granite pool that eventually recycles itself back to the top. That may have been why this couple chose our building for their big day, but the only catch is the fountain has been closed down and under repair all week. They have huge black curtain partitions covering it up while the repairmen weld and drill and make all manner of noise trying to fix the stupid thing. So instead of hearing the cascading waterfall, this couple was serenaded by welding irons and high-pitched drilling. And instead of wearing a white frilly dress, the bride was wearing a short black one. The Maid of Honor was in pants, as well as the Best Man, and I think there were like 5 people standing behind them with only camera phones to document the event. Is it just me or is this all just kinda weird? Probably the most bizarre thing I've seen since working here.

Today is the start of mid-winter break and the girls are enjoying their first day off with Grandpa and Grandma Day. I think they will have fun and may get a little spoiled in the process, but isn't that what grandparents are for? I get to take Monday and Tuesday off, and I think I'm looking forward and need the break more than they do. I. can't. wait.

This past Wednesday marked the "100th" Day of School for the girls. They each had to make projects representing a collection of 100 things. Avery's was cute. She make a huge chocolate chip cookie out of brown cardboard and glued on chocolate chips. When she got done, it was not only cute to look at but smelled really good. When she brought it home last night, I noticed that a couple chips were missing and she said she broke them off and ate them. Glue and all. Yum. Maryn made a cute book with lots of 100 pictures. One of her pics was a self-portrait of what she'd look like when she was 100. It was hilarious.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Temple and out to lunch with my Mom and sister. It will be a fun girl's day out, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to the end of winter. I've just about had it with the weather man telling me that the morning commute is going to be slippery and slow. Seriously. I need some good news man! And speaking of nicer buildings to get married in Detroit, that couple should have checked this one out!!