Who's in Charge Here, Anyway?

Who’s in Charge Here, Anyway?
I sit whimpering in the capsule of my tiny understanding
And angrily tell God he isn’t running His world right.
I tell him, “Little children shouldn’t suffer,
People should be nice to each other, and
Things should turn out as I plan.”
Before I climbed into my capsule,
I naively believed that life was good.
God whispers, “Life is good, my child,
I am in charge; life isn’t dark ...
Adversity is not scourge, but ark.”

--Darla Isackson

This poem was part of an article called “The Spiritual Anatomy of Anger” written by Darla Isackson from Meridian Magazine. It really made me stop and think. The article is a wonderful exploration of the different facets and reasons for anger and it made me think a lot about my own anger and where it comes from. However, this poem really stood out to me. I copied it and pasted it onto a blank page and returned to it a few times, and decided what I really liked best about it. The line about how “things should turn out as I plan” really spoke to me. Sometimes I am so selfish and narrow-minded in my thinking. I have this ideal or expectation of how my life should be at this point. Because it hasn’t happened exactly as I expected, I get so angry, bitter, jealous, and downright mean. Sometimes I think that it’s because I’m being punished or that God has forgotten about me and I’m not really worth the effort anyway. The negativity of it all makes me completely miserable. And it’s no way to live. This is not how it should be. The part that says, “Adversity is not scourge, but ark” completed my thoughts perfectly. Just because negative things happen to me doesn’t mean that the whole thing (life) is bad. God is always in control and His plan for me isn’t to be miserable or cause me pain, it’s actually the exact opposite. It’s to allow me a way to find out what I'm made of. It’s a way to discover what life is all about. It’s a way for me to learn lessons that can teach about divine nature and spiritual and physical power and unique abilities. I know I’ve been given obstacles in my life that nobody else has. And it’s for a reason.

Just to give you an example, I have had a lifetime struggle with my weight. Mine is not a metabolism that is forgiving and compensatory. I have struggled…sometimes giving up and failing, other times working hard and succeeding. At times, I have stopped to see God’s hand in this trial. I have learned so many valuable lessons from this burden. I have found out what I’m made of and what I’m capable of. Because of that, I can approach other trials in life with experience. However, there are also times I wish it wasn't so stinking hard. I curse the heavens for how unrelenting it is to constantly have to be on guard. And I wish I’d been given something else. I suppose this is what He expected. {Insert tender mercies here.} I think He knew that I’d need a little lift and boost here and there along the way. He knew that I was capable, but that there were going to be times I just couldn’t fathom picking myself up and trying one more time. I’m grateful that He’s smart like that and gave me the Savior. I’m grateful that my weight problem, my temper, my self-confidence, my anxiety are all things that can eventually help me find out who I am. My trials are just as much a part of me as anything else. I wonder if maybe I should express more gratitude for them than the talents I’ve been blessed with in life. Talents are also given specifically from our Father in Heaven, and can bless and enrich a person's life, but it’s these trials and obstacles that really make me stretch, work hard, and ultimately teach the greatest lessons, reminding me where I came from and where I can return.

I hope I am rising to the challenges that my Father has given me. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing miserably, and yet other times I can feel strength from above and within pushing me forward and with each step I understand more and more who I am and that “life isn’t dark, but good”.