Duty

Yesterday I gave the 4th Sunday lesson in RS. The topic was "Learning and Understanding your Duty". I based the lesson on two talks from May's General Conference. Elder Keith McMullin and Elder Henry B. Eyring. The talks are wonderful. The topic was sobering. In the midst of a chaotic world around us filled with sadness, corruption, and trial we can find solace in doing what the Lord wants us to do. By learning to do our duty, essentially we can improve the ever-decaying world around us. We can make the world a better place by doing our part...our duty.

Thoughts and impressions (and memories) flooded my mind as I prepared this lesson. I can think of no better example than that of my father-in-law when the word "duty" is uttered. And I don't think I am romanticizing things when I say that. Dennis was a man who did his duty...he contributed positively to society, he did his best to make the world a better place, he was constantly in the service of his fellow-man, and ultimately his Savior and Father in Heaven. His hands were the Lord's hands on earth. I don't think I will ever explain it well enough or do the service he performed for us, his family, justice. I will never feel like my words will adequately express my appreciation, my love, and my respect for him. I can only try, struggle/learn, repent, and humbly strive to do/be better.

The following quote from Elder Eyring seemed to jump off the page at me (in talking about an elderly gentleman who had served dutifully in his callings for his entire life): "...His nature had been changed to want what the Savior wanted. He had no fear of death. The desire of his heart was to live to give service to his family and to others of Heavenly Father's children who needed him."

I wish I had expressed this in my lesson yesterday. But I didn't. Not because I didn't WANT to, I felt like I couldn't. I didn't want to go there publicly yet. I knew how it would end, and I didn't want that all over the Relief Society pulpit. But I have been thinking about it ever since. How I needed to get this out. How I needed to express my feelings about Dennis and duty. I would do the whisperings of the Spirit injustice if I neglected to express these impressions and feelings. And so, I write them instead. In the safety of my blog...the only people reading this being my family and friends who know me and knew my father-in-law. You know what I'm talking about. You know who Dennis was, and you understand what I'm talking about when I say he did his duty. You get me, and for that I'm grateful.

I am going to try and have more courage to write out my feelings that are sometimes difficult to express. I feel like I have been holding onto a lot of them for awhile now. After Mark's post, and reading my brother-in-law's and sister-in-law's posts about Dennis, I finally feel like I can have the courage to do the same. We all miss him. The grief has caught us all off guard. None of us could have anticipated the sadness and the loss that we feel. But it's real. Sometimes it's okay...we are happy and remember the good things. Other times it feels like relief can't come soon enough or in the right ways. Like we are forever broken as a result of what we've seen and had to do. Helplessness, guilt, sorrow...these emotions that can grab hold and take your breath away.

But at the same time, understanding and perspective are all around us. We are learning to accept God's will and His plan. That is the one area where I feel comfort and peace. I know that everything happens for a reason, according to God's plan. And I trust Him. I know that He loves me...all of us. I know that He will never give us more than we can handle. If He thinks I can handle this, then I can...I will. I will do MY duty.