{This unpublished draft makes me laugh and cry. It's so interesting how reading this takes me right back to this period of time. I remember it so clearly now, but haven't thought about it in ages. That is probably a testament to why women decide to have babies again...they forget the nitty-gritty details after a certain amount of time, thank heavens!! Anyway, I know why I probably didn't publish this one...it seems too whiney and ungrateful. It seems like I'm complaining instead of counting my blessings. I probably didn't want to expose myself too much. Whatever the reason, I think there is something to be said for authenticity and honesty. This is it, in all it's raw glory. I think it's important that I remember it, and that it becomes part of the book of "me". So proceed with caution, it gets pretty self-involved and self-pitying. Crazy to think how quickly this time really goes in the grand scheme of things! The date on this is August 2009...just weeks before delivering Parker Faye Brown!!}
I am feeling huge lately. Huge, swollen, puffy, uncomfortable...needless to say not at my best. They don't tell you about this when you are considering having a baby. They don't mention that the last couple months are absolutely excruciating--that your body will grow to proportions that you didn't imagine possible in such a short span of time. They forget to inform you that your face can grow extra chins, that your belly can indeed keep stretching, that your feet can indeed get puffier, that your wedding ring will start collecting dust on the shelf due to the fact that you can't fit it over your chubby knuckles. They just don't tell you that.
I am feeling huge lately. Huge, swollen, puffy, uncomfortable...needless to say not at my best. They don't tell you about this when you are considering having a baby. They don't mention that the last couple months are absolutely excruciating--that your body will grow to proportions that you didn't imagine possible in such a short span of time. They forget to inform you that your face can grow extra chins, that your belly can indeed keep stretching, that your feet can indeed get puffier, that your wedding ring will start collecting dust on the shelf due to the fact that you can't fit it over your chubby knuckles. They just don't tell you that.
The pictures in the book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" are misleading. The cover of the book shows the drawing of a young expectant Mommy with a tiny, round belly barely poking out past her fashionable maternity jeans. Her face still looks normal, her arms still look thin, they don't show her "cankles". They make it look cute, fun, and respectable. I'd like to see them portray what that cute little Mommy looks like after 35 weeks. Or better yet, 41. Unfortunately for me, the cuteness of being pregnant has worn off. I don't feel cute and fashionable anymore, I just feel bloated.
My maternity wardrobe is dwindling. Some of my shirts just don't fit over my belly anymore. And some of what I once considered to be my lovely stretchy pants are digging into my lower abdomen so far, I feel like I'm getting a jump start on the c-section. So I've had to resort to borrowing clothes from Mark's side of the closet. AAGH! I've been here before and it's not fun. But his t-shirts are so much more comfy across my ample mid-section than anything in my drawers. Ho hum. Poor me.
I know it's not forever. I know that eventually my body will recover. But in the meantime, is there any relief? Does anyone have a device that can suck water out of my fingers and feet and face? Avery told me last night that sometimes when I walk, it looks like I'm waddling. I thanked her for her valuable insight.
I attribute some of this to the bedrest. The fact that I haven't been able to get up and move around has not helped keeping my pregnancy pounds in check. I had all of these goals and hopes of continuing to exercise and be active and gain a respectable amount of weight. But when you can't burn calories doing simple tasks around the house, they just accumulate in your behind. And when it's the middle of summer and the humidity is 90%, your feet can't help but start retaining water. I understand WHY this is all happening, but it doesn't make it any easier to look at.
Anyway, this probably sounds like a whiney rant and that I am losing sight of what's important here. Indeed, now that I think about it, it is. But cut me some slack. It's been a long 8 months. and especially the last month and a half sitting on my keister hasn't helped much.
I told Mark that we need to take one last picture. So that I can remember...so that Baby girl can see where she came from. But it's going to be hard. Then again, maybe it's just what I'll need after she's born. Maybe that picture will hang on the fridge and next to my workout clothes for the next year (or so???) while I work to get back to where I was.
Is that looking on the bright side at least?
2 comments:
I needed to read this today. Thank you. Sometimes you just need to not feel alone in the world and know that someone else felt the same way you do.
I should have taken the picture when I was expecting Erin. It could have been printed to pass out w/birth control methods at the HS sex ed lecture !
There used to be a woman who provided meals for the homeless. Her name was Mother Wattles. I would have been called Mother Waddles. Enough said.
When I remember this I always think how blessed I was to have Erin as the reward ! It was a small sacrifice in that light. I know you feel the same.
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